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If there's a medal for busting word limits, I should be awarded it. Like totally. 3000 words over the thesis word limit? Yup you can count on me doing just that.

Anyway, now to get some annoyingly distracting musings out so I can resume thesis editing. All started with my new computer game obsession, namely Star Wars: The Old Republic and the Mass Effect trilogy (which I haven't played but spent more time than I oughta watching cutscenes from).

1. Killing NPCs that get in your way during quests and missions is okay, even encouraged because you have to get through them. Why? Because they're in your way. And they're on the other side. IRL, never works that way. Makes me wonder about video games NPC killcount factoring into your bad karma. I mean you have to accept them as existent to some extent right? Like 'the real world'?

2. Killing/hurting arsehole NPCs because it feels good. Does it add to bad karma too? Because technically, intent counts, even if you didn't perform the action. And you technically did when you kicked that whiny bugger of an NPC's arse.

3. Permutative consequences of choice: arose from the conversational options possible in games. If you load a pre-convo version of your character and redid the entire thing a different way, you can see the consequences of a different choice you made. So many choices and nuances possible. If you function on a purely yes-no-maybe continuum, the permutations of the ripple effect are mind-boggling. Kill a man here, tick someone off there, some possibilities closed off forever. Fascinating.

4. Resurrection: definitely Mass Effect's fault. Shepard is canonically stated to be clinically brain dead. How on earth (pun unintended) then can his/her memories be restored flawlessly just by scientific reconstruction and an intact brain? The storage of memory and images are not just the sum of neurons and brain tissue. Also, if there is the question of a soul: assuming there is such a thing, is it the same soul or a different one? More importantly, how the hell does Shepard's soul know to hop into the spanking new shell as opposed to say random Human colonist's soul?

5. Indoctrination theory: intriguing and persuasive. Also very meta. I shall keep this vague in case it spoils the game for anyone who chances on this post.

Ah, that feels better. Now I can get back to work.

A long disappearance

Gee, I realised today how long i haven't blogged, which leads to the question: "was I too busy or not depressed enough?" not sure if there's anything bad with either tho :P

New friends, new modules, new term, now a new holiday! Wheeee!

Bitchy politically incorrect rant on gender

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZwM3GvaTRM&feature=channel_page

anyone who's reading this gotta watch that clip. It's absolutely hilarious and spot-on to boot. And after you've watched it, read this article by the chap who did this video (yes it's a guy, hooray for male feminists! XD) http://www.wimnonline.org/WIMNsVoicesBlog/?p=1272 i would embed the clip, but it wouldn't work.

It is true that somehow shows make possessiveness and suffocating overbearingness romantic. Look at Boys over Flowers, the Korean adaptation of Meteor Garden. For those who haven't heard about it, it's the whole Cinderella thing, with a poor girl falling in love with the rich guy and having to overcome oodles of overdone, cliched and stereotypical obstacles to be together. Not much artistic value really, but it does have pretty sets and prettier boys (God why on earth did they put permed hair on Lee Ming Ho?! He looks waaay better with straight hair). Anyway, back to the topic at hand. The aforementioned actor plays the pain-in-the-ass possessive brat who generally stomps over people's feelings and orders the girlfriend around. And my sister and I (for once we agree on something) cannot for the life for us comprehend why on earth the female protagonist goes for him in the end, when his much more gentlemanly and well-mannered friend has expressed he has the hots for her and i think she vaguely likes him too. I mean, between a nice cultured boy who understands the concept of basic manners and a fellow who can't get his proverbs and his manners right, I'd pick the former any day. I think the ending's rather demeaning to the girl, cos the character obviously has a backbone and oodles of sass to match, just not the best taste in boyfriends. And Twilight, good heavens, I can't even begin to describe the sheer travesty it makes of women's representation and the message it's sending out to the fangirls. Have you watched the movie? I haven't, but the eight minutes or so I saw while I was in HMV once was enough to make me seek a hard surface to headdesk on. And the stalking bit is just creepy. And girls swoon over that kind of behaviour. Sigh. Let's hope they find more positive models to look to in their future partners, because lines like 'I can't stay away from you' are not romantic; they're decidedly bordering on obsession and/or psychosis.

And vampires are so not sexy...I mean hello, potential predator here...going to nom nom you, how is that romantic?  Unless you're talking about the whole women-just-wanna-be-pursued psychology. Which is uh...not sure if it's a patriarchal excuse or real psychology. Anyway, using it as a basis for a cultural phenomenon is just preposterous. (Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt in Interview with A Vampire ain't helping it any either, makes people think all male vampires are beefcakes.)

And there's the thing about rape in drama serials. It's always a surefire way to gain ratings and viewers' sympathy with the tragic woman figure. Also reinforces the idea of women as vulnerable flowers in need of protection. Sigh. Is the viwership reflective of some form of tragic irony/ fascination with the horror? Cos for me, I'd choose not to watch the bit if I knew it was coming. Apparently not so for the rest of the populace, cos according to the Sunday Times article in Lifestyle a couple weeks ago, the episode where Zoe Tay's character gets raped received one of the highest viewership ratings, and heaven knows it's a rather common plot device in Korean tragic dramas either (no one can do better than them. Any and every hardship one can suffer will be heaped on the designated hapless target. What are the odds of that in reality i.e. all of those portrayed?)

Also, Hermione and Ron. Why on earth did Rowling get them married to each other XS worst-matched pair I've ever seen in canon. Yes, I do know that, despite my best efforts to dodge spoilers from Deathly Hallows. Their interests clearly diverged, their goals in life don't seem to have anything in common...then again, Rowling just wanted to tie things up. Sigh.
As a footnote, if Alan Rickman voiced a vampire, i might be tempted into making friends with him :P albeit armed with lotsa garlic.

Jun. 13th, 2009

People change. You reminded me of that. I barely know you anymore.Perhaps this is the end? Oh well.

Am addicted to Facebook apps. Gods help me. Mind-numbingly boring, but it helps kill time. Too much of it now, too little of it later. Life is a fickle thingymajig.

A month, a day and three hours

That's how long you've been gone. 

I dreamt of you last night, sleeping like you used to in my hand or on my chest. Dear dear baby.

The house is too quiet at night without your nocturnal rustlings for food and tumblings off the ladder. It's too large in the day without your cage taking the corner it always did. Sometimes I pause in the middle of doling out rice for dinner to set some aside for you, before I remember you're not there to poke your head out and scramble down to chow on it.  After-dinner hour I now spend walking aimlessly around instead of scooping you out to coo nonsense at you and chase you around on the floor.

I found a video of you I took when you were maybe four months old. Gosh, you looked obese. How did we ever feed you to that size? Must be the avocado bits the dowager kept sneaking you. And then you discovered durian (o.0), corn (boiled and steaming hot, no less) , watercress and gingko. Boy, expensive tastes ya. You got used to having fresh yummy veggies, and if you didn't, you hung out of the house looking sad or clambered around a la Tarzan, maniacally nibbling at the bars. When I stuck my hand in, you grabbed it and gnawed. Huh. When the dowager told you off for being gnaw-happy, you gave us a patented 'who-me?' bright-beady-eyes look. Sly lil thing.

I liked watching you wash yourself. It's very funny, watching you run your too-short paws around your head and trying to navigate past the bulging cheek pouches. Then you'll twist around to preen  the fur on your butt and promptly tumble arse-over-kettle cos you lost your balance. And there was the time the dowager was tickling your ear with a piece of thread. Swipe...endure...endure...swipeswipe...GAH, scratchscratchscratch.

Last Christmas, you stretched your neck and touched your cold lil whiskery nose to mine. It reminded me vaguely of an Eskimo Kiss, except you were probably sniffing for something edible. Silly rodent.

Ah well. I hope they have a lotta durians and avocados and all manner of your favourite foods where you are. And bathing sand. Lots of it. Heaven knows how much you piddle, assuming you still need to piddle.

On hamsters and High School Musicals

As I'm typing this, Woolly the hamster's curled in the corner of the room munching on fresh corn kernels he stowed in his cheek pouches. Silly lil critter. (Update ten minutes later: he's curled up snoring)

Has anyone watched High School Musical 3? I haven't, but I hear it's rather banal. The songs are annoyingly catchy though. I had "I Want It All" looped in my head throughout Japanese studies lecture. On the bright side, it was the only thing keeping me awake. Lol. One of my tutees think Zac Efron's the hottest thing on this planet. Can't say I agree with her X( Another girl worships Sharpay and tries to speak like her. Annoys the crap out of me. By the way, you know the name Sharpay? I suspect the writers derived it from Shar-Pei, the luxury dog species. That and the fact the character's kinda bitchy. Had that brainwave randomly, haha, merilynt's sister was all 0.0 when i proposed that theory. 

I came across the Youtube video for "A Night To Remember", the part where they're singing about preparing for the prom. Gosh, stereotypes much? Sue me, but my brain can't stop seeing all this. There's a line where the female characters sing 'Been waiting all our lives for this' 0.o gawd people, you gotta find something else to look forward to. Dressing up's fun...but um, all our lives? Bit much yeah. And there's the whole pairing off thing. I think it's pretty much the norm to find a date, or at least that's how the American media makes it out to be. I remember our proms; most people go stag anyway, but that's our adaptation. Reinforcement of heterosexual norms? Check. And there's another line "dressing to impress the boys". Need I say more? *rolls eyes* Point is they make the girls sound like they spend loads of time planning how to doll themselves up. Is that the way it should be? It's like the cliche where girls talk about their dream weddings with the girlfriends. It kinda all adds up to the cultural expectations of child-woman-wife and mother. If society is truly progressive, these cliches would have been cast away. Obviously we're not there yet.

As a side-note, "I Want It All" sung by Sharpay and Ryan's a highly amusing song, ability to rot brain cells aside. It makes me chuckle.

A wee bit flabbergasted

I seem to only post when i'm disturbed. Hehe. Well, here's the reason for it this time: www.mugglenet.com/viewer/ the girl's eighteen, for goodness's sake. Why on earth are you sexualising her?! I don't deny the pictures are really rather aesthetically pleasing, but really...

I'm not criticising it for the same reason parents in America freak out at pictures of Miley Cyrus's naked back--sexualisation of the role model for their kids and therefore teaching them all the wrong things. I'm bitching because I think the pictures are making an eighteen-year-old look like a nymphet and/or an offering (see link, the bow on the chest is about as subtle as a red neon sign) and much older than she really is. Okay maybe, they're trying to portray budding womanhood or something through the product placements (I can't read Italian to save my life, but the outfits are from names like Christian Lacroix and Versace), doesn't mean womanhood has to be connected with presentations that make the person look vaguely Lolitaish. (I may be reading too much into this; it's a hazardously long-lasting side effect of doing a paper on media studies and women)

Speaking of parents and their puritanical attitudes towards role models in the media, I'd like to point out something. Sooner or later, their daughters are going to grow up and discover their sexuality. Are they hoping the girls can actually manage to stay virginal Madonnas (in the biblical sense) in the onslaught of sexualised images? Besides TV, there're trillions of other ways they're going to get images that the parents don't approve of. Surely they aren't going to follow their kids around all day and slap a hand over their eyes when something inappropriate comes up. And repression of sexuality can't be healthy. Of course, parents don't think that. then again, am not a parent, so I can't say I can understand their perspective. 

*blinks*

I read an article the other day on why Obama's wife is a potential casualty to his campaign. Why? Because she adopts a very gritty realistic approach, and people are traditionally more inclined to optimism in their political candidates rather than her approach. Wait a minute. Now speaking the truth is a bad thing? Optimism just tells you it's doable, it's well and good, and some may argue it's half the job the done when you have the right mindset. Sure. But it's still only half the job. And being optimistic, the other half is going to be easy peasy, ain't it? El wrongo, amigo.

If the situation is bad, I should think optimism only helps when you are talking about the restoration work. When it comes to the planning, realism and pragmatism has to come in. You're not facing up to the extent of the reality if youre busy being optimistic and saying 'oh, that's a cup of tea. Slap a cheque on it and it'll be okay'. Or is it the masses these days like to hear what they want to hear and not what needs to be heard? I suspect the latter factor plays the largest factor. Most of the population, regardless of chronological age, are not mature enough to handle the truth, so they demand to be coddled. When they aren't, they express their feelings of righteous indignation. Humans are exceedingly strange creatures. We (well, some at least) have the intellectual capacity to see the problem, but most choose to run away and refuse to look it in the eye even with the eyelids clamped open. And anyone who tries to convince them otherwise should be sent to the execution block. Or they are well-equipped to handle the truth. They just don't want to because it doesn't fit in their simplistic world-view.

How come we aren't self-destructing yet?

Thoughtfully a-nibbling

I had so many spare thoughts I wanted to write about, but they all scuttled before I could put them into words X( 

Things have changed. I'm much less exhausted than I was. 

Like I said to someone today, tis sad when a signifier and the signified becomes one and the same, because it strangles the significance of it. That was a lotta sibilants in the last sentence. Just realised it. Charming. Anyway, was thinking that with specific regard to human relations. What's the use when the gesture is performed but there is no real feeling behind it? It just does wonders for the recipient's ego, that's all. When that gesture is expected unreasonably or demanded, its importance is nullified, because feeling and intent cannot be demanded, only given. Then comes the question of unreasonability. Some may think they deserve it, when in truth they do not. Of course, nobody chooses to think that when they are convinced of their right to something.

Also, I came to this conclusion the other day: ideals are like testicles; most people will do anything to hold on to them and insist they are not as malfunctional as they are in reality (unless you are a eunuch). Cackle. 

I hit on the subject of truth and the concepts covered by the idea of Veritaserum in the Potterverse. It's a potion meant to induce the telling of the truth under interrogative procedures. The Potterverse appears, to my knowledge at least, to have neglected to touch on these topics: does the individual in question divulge the facts, which means the 'objective truth', or the truth as they perceive it? I sometimes suspect the latter is more possible than the former. Since the drug is supposed to compel the person to tell the truth, it would work on the person's memory of the truth, which is usually coloured by their perceptions. Which goes to say someone can give circumstantial evidence that can testify for a murder another individual may not have committed, but is thought by the eyewitness to have carried out. 

Additionally, if the phrasing of the question posed allows for the room to wriggle out of teling the truth, then the Veritaserum would have a loophole. Hm. Applying philosophy to Harry Potter. And I was trying to rest my brain. Wtf.

Fundamental weaknesses

We set markers that define the depths of our relationships for us. In classic definitions, love has its clearly delineated categories: familial, friends, couples. The grey areas in between are unmapped and left to go to seed.



I have a theory that almost everyone and their dogs have stumbled across this wilderness, and yet it remains uncharted and overlooked. Is it because people tend to forget it once they've gotten themselves out of that frightening territory? Is it a 'thank heavens i'm free of it and i must forget about that time of uncertainty and insane helplessness'? Look around. literature, the modern media. It never mentions these grey areas. it's glossed over, turned into something to be laughed at.



People subscribe to these definitions, live by them. And when someone transcends it, they treat it like the ebola virus, repulsive, wrong, different, scary. They reject it completely because it flies in the face of what they have followed all their lives. They use morality as a shield to elevate themselves, finding comfort in numbers and long-held traditions.



The human race is a bunch of fools blindly stumbling along clinging to their flawed ideas. Isn't it a wonder we're still around?
I was reminded in the past two days, that nothing makes me feel more alive than working on stage. It used to be dance. Now, theatre as well. It's a venture I'm glad I took.

Now it's over. I feel oddly empty and bereft.

Maybe I should look for a dance production to involve myself in :P (and get murdered by the dowager for foraging in the 'arts' side of life, but I don't care) I'm a bloody junkie. Give me a taste and I follow it like a bloodhound. It's not profitable, I can see that, but it'd be good as something on the side. Drat, I AM addicted already. Bushy, I blame this on you.

Right, now to un-aunty and re-fairify myself, so to speak (it's a running joke I walked like a fairy before the D and Co-D forcibly cured me of it) Back to reality, which in my case, ain't that normal anyway. Blech.

Sometimes, Krystal's lines still come back to me. They resonate.

Ambivalence

Silence. It can mean so many things in interpersonal interactions. Acceptance, solidarity, comfort, agreement...

Concealment, camouflage. 

It is at this point, one of my closest acquaintances. 

I'm tired. So very tired. 

Tomorrow's opening night. The realisation has yet to fully sink in.

Made this in a moment of insanity

Meez 3D avatar avatars games

Cute ain't it?

To all my little rascals

Like the title suggests, I was overcome with a sudden bout of longing to see all the kids I taught. A friend whom I randomly messaged about my abrupt melancholy responded as such:'The kids who talked to your tits, huh, droll'. Which they didn't FYI. It's an exaggeration.

That was part of their charm, I suppose, having the guts to talk about things like that without the slightest trace of embarrasement. I mean, at that age, I was quietly watching the world go by, and definitely won't have the chutzpah to go "cher, what's the difference between G-string and underwear?" Also, they have a nasty tendency to attract trouble, and I worried immensely for them. I still do. Because most of them are relatively good kids, just that the environment wasn't encouraging of that or conducive to that. I sincerely hope all of them are still alive and well, preferably actually touching their textbooks. But oh well, just the first two are enough for me.

I love you guys.

Dancer in the Dark

It's one of those days again, when I know I've something to say but have no idea how to say it.

Someone told me the other day that words are my best toy. I play with them a great deal, be it for humour, wit or general bitchiness. Which is true. I love the flexibility of words. And what I love best about it is the space allowed for me to craft it so that it can look or seem like what the perceiver said but mean something entirely different altogether. Beautiful thing, expectations. Master the fine skill and you can twist it to your advantage if needed.

Additionally, I have also come to the conclusion that society has a tendency to expect its celebrities and other elites to uphold moral standards which they themselves do not possess. Take sex scandals for one thing. Really people, you attack celebrities for sleeping around; have you ever turned around to take a long hard look at everyone else? Can you actualy honestly swear that none of you are doing the same thing? Circumstantial evidence to the contrary would be the statistical numbers of teen pregnancies. What, did all of them spring into being overnight and the female wakes up the next morning and goes, 'gee, there's a bun in the oven'? We follow articles on Briney Spears's mental breakdown with morbid fascination and ridicule her antics. Is it to reassure ourselves we'll never do that, that we are indeed sane? Or to lend ourselves the illusion of the moral high ground? Do you honestly believe that ordinary human beings don't suffer from problems like that?

Also, I've also realised that the concepts of ideals people uphold are only a sliver of what actualy exists. Any male-female pair seen on the street together will most likely be viewed as a couple; if they were holding hands, that conclusion is further cemented. Why aren't there other possibilities allowed for such a sight? Because the rest of the options are not as romantic or stirring or uplifting? Because they don't bring as much drama?

Lastly, a tentative attempt at advertising: anyone interested in going for a play? I happen to be acting (read: or trying to) in it. 5th and 6th april, two evening shows one matinee. Evening show tickets are going for $20, matinee for $15. Those interested, drop me a line, k? Thanks.

Gender stereotyping

I suppose most have read the previous week's Sunday Times if you have it at home. Remember the article on women's expectations? I nearly burned the paper when I read it. WTF.

First of all, who did they carry out the survey on? No mention of that. They just said 'survey', if I recalled correctly. Correct me if I'm wrong. *headdesk* I generally don't trust articles these days who claim to have done a survey and don't state sources, sample size or any statistics.

Secondly, hello, if the survey is reliable, they obviously haven't noticed it's the 21st century. I sometimes wonder if the article was stating actual fact or imposing an ideal that they want women to adopt, because it's suspiciously reminiscient of old ideals that women are dependent on men, no matter how capable they are *excuse me while I cough on something hard to swallow* Because there is always the herd mentality, and it is arguably possible that other women who don't do the princess act read the article, and think 'hey I should start doing this too cos all the other women are'. Egads.

Thirdly, eh, women, take some pride in yourself can or not? Wanting your other half to be a manly man is fine, but if you make him do things you are perfectly capable of, you are demeaning yourself and undermining your credibility. What, is your 2-mm square handbag so heavy you have to lend your boyfriend's arm for carrying it? Or is it a badge of pride to other women 'hey look, I've got him eating out of my hand(bag)'?

Tis sad when in this age, women still want to depend on men. You're a living breathing creature with your own brain and pulling your own weight financially, so get a backbone. The significant other is your other half, which means you distribute things in the relationship equally and not have him do all the work. Sheesh. It's okay if you have occasional bouts of wanting to be dependent, but if you expect it all the time, the guy's never going to respect you. Unless of course, you're dating a guy with ideals from the 18th century.

On nothing in particular... :)

It's February and and the eve of the eve of the Lunar New Year. Time flies...I have a million things to say, trouble is I can't remember them. Lol. But I'll try anyway.

First of all, I'm kinda disappointed with my creative output. Compared to past years, I've produced a pitiful amount of material in the last two years. Laziness certainly plays a part, I admit. But time, I must add, was fairly against me as well.

I don't seem to like reading as much as I used to. Novels I mean. Articles and philosopical texts, yes, but fictional works, not so much anymore. Is it an emblem that I've moved on? Grown up and out of made-up stuff, even the genres meant for ages beyond teenagers? Or is it just that I have become much too obsessed with reality and not flights of whimsy? I don't quite know sometimes. Maybe it's because novels don't challenge me to think, and articles do. *shrugs* I do read fanfic, but even so, I scorn those without a certain standard of quality. Some, I may say, are better written than any novels I've read. Ironic eh?

Also, I still haven't come to terms with the idea of having to shield the children from things which are deemed inappropriate for them. Is it just to make the lives of the adults easier so that they don't have to explain it? Because I find it cases more harm than good. Take the idea of sex for instance. Society skirts around the issue like it's the ebola virus and is paradoxically obsessed by it. And they think it's appropriate for the children to not know? Huh. Like half the adult population is mature enough for it anyway. They just let the kids stumble along and learn for themselves, and how's that supposed to help their development as humans? The ugly aspects of human nature is shielded, and for what purpose? To make them believe in a pure unsullied world and pave the way for crashing disappointment when they discover the lies? Humankind is exceedingly odd. Perhaps they're still trying to convince themselves they are civilised rational beings who are above the other creatures that share Earth with them. Uh-huh. And leather is an edible and tasty food.

Also, I think I've grown and developed a great deal, as a person and as a female. I've less problems doing public speaking now than I had before, partly due to the meetings I've been made to host during CCA, as well as teaching a bunch of unruly 14-year-olds for two weeks. I believe in myself much more than I would three or four years ago, thanks to some of the teachers I've met through the years of school. Some were nastier than others, but I've had a generally okay bunch of educators. Some of them have had a greater effect on me than others (you know who you are, boss ;P)and for that, I'm extremely thankful. I think it can be said that I truly flourished in Secondary 3 and 4. I stopped suppressing my thought processes and really began to think and see things beyond what they appeared to be. And I had lots of encouragement and praise, which was tremendously helpful in my journey to self-discovery. Also, I grew comfortable in my own skin, partly due to Chinese dance I think. Dance has an effect like that. Junior college merely served to cement the foundations that had been constructed during secondary school and build on them. I gained greater awareness of the world and myself (and KI's to blame, not that I'm complaining), danced my way through four wonderful months and truly felt alive.

Having prattled so much, I think I should stop before my fingers fall off *shakes hands vigourously*

Ooooooze...

On reflection, I can actually be rather eloquent when I'm ranting like a crazy bitch. Somebody would say that's really my inner self, but that's not true. Really. I mean, WHAT DO YOU MEAN I AM A RAVING BITCH?! Cackle.

Being paid for being a raving bitch in class ain't actually all that bad XD

I miss school (the one I went to, not the one I taught in). Routines, fairly okay food and ker-razee friends to entertain you when you're bored. And the brain drains during KI. And the gym *hey, if you pay 10 bucks for it every month, you mighta as well get your $$'s worth back) Boy, i was never buff-er than during those last few weeks of school, not even when there was PE. *whines* Wanna go back!

During my short tenure teaching, I've picked up an impressive array of ways to swear at people. The student teaching the teacher? Maybe, but all the wrong things. Lol. Invective becomes a way of life when you're there. Hell, even the girls swear like sailors. Not that I never swore, just that I'm nowhere near as crass as they can get. Gee. They make ME look ladylike, and that's saying a lot.

Politics

Have been unceremoniously shown the door in a sugar-coated, tactful-to-the-hilt manner at work. Gee people, how fucking dumb do you think I am? Some have a humongous workload and scheldule. You can't honestly look me in the face and tell me if you really wanted to keep me around, you'd have taken some classes off my overworked colleagues and given them to me. And there're the transition kids which need my help. If you really wanted me around, you'd have given me something in the interim while their names are sorted out. I tell you, I didn't manage a A1 in English and Combined Lit as well as a B in prelims for KI if I had only the amount of brains you thought I possessed. Bigoted unthinking selfish pricks. Scold me if you must, give me trouble if you must, but KEEP YOUR PAWS OFF MY KIDS. They're naughty but there's no buggering need to keep all the boys back because one or two were unruly. Guilt by association? BULLSHIT, I tell you, UTTER BULLSHIT. I may be just a relief teacher, but I seriously think I have a much better developed sense of compassion and morality than ANY one of you, and my kids have more loyalty and affection in their little fingers than any one of you will ever will as well. And you guys are supposed to be the adults. Again, BULLSHIT. You're all just a sad bunch of 5-year-old juveniles hurling mudpies at each other, and that's an insult to all 5-year-olds around the world. Shame on you. Call yourself teachers of the leaders of tomorrow. Watch as I spit. Hypocrites. You're not even fit to teach animals in the circus tricks, cos you don't even have the basic sense of decency that separates man from the animal kingdom.

Meeep...

My hands are shaking. Badly. It's been a while since I've been this jittery. The last time was over a year ago. Stupid office politics. All I want is to do my best for the kids cos I see their potential and I want them to realise what they can achieve with it. But nooo, let's make my life difficult. I promised myself I won't give up this easily because if I can face them down, I can do anything when I actually choose to be a teacher in future. Is this some deity's way of giving me preparatory training? Maybe. I'm trying to convince myself of that so I can find the balls to overcome it. The others in the office are expecting me to quit cos of this, and I'll be damned if I just give in without a fight. This is a temp job, yeah, but I have my principles, and I'm a stubborn ass, so I'm going to plough my way through until I can't anymore. I'm actually getting used to the kids' antics, and even find them amusing on occasion, but obviously the others aren't. Is it a tradition to pick on them first when something needs to be done? Cos I think that's unfair. They're naughty and unruly yes, but that doesn't give anyone the license to whack. You honestly can't expect them to be dead quiet. It's near impossible, and I certainly can't be keeping a lookout for sleeping students while teaching. Sheesh. Surviving the next two days is key. Touch wood.

Jan. 5th, 2008

Found this on a profile page:

92 percent of the teenage population would die if Abercrombie and Fitch said that it wasn't cool to breathe anymore. Put this in your profile if you're part of the 8 percent that would be laughing your butt off.

It's unbelievable that teenagers in this era are still that dependent on fashion and media for their preferences. And being cool is overrated, cos if everyone is cool, uncool will become the new 'in' thing, wouldn't it? Conformity is understandably important, but when you go to that extreme, I think it's unhealthy.

Dec. 22nd, 2007

Back from Taiwan. Whee! It's nice and cold and the channels are dazzling!!! And of course, not to forget the scenery and shopping. Hehe. Wish I'd gotten a female tour guide tho. She'd have understood the need for shopping more than a guy would have. There's never enough time given for shopping... *pouts*

It's three days from Christmas, the overcommercialised festival that commemorates the birth of a religious figure. I'm not lambasting the festival, but can't we just have a quiet peaceful meal with friends and contemplate the passing of another year instead of buying insanely priced products to give everyone you know and busting your wallet? (Yes, I'm complaining in part due to my smoking and emaciated wallet) Consumerism's made us unable to be happy during any festival unless we consume copious amounts of goods, be it guilt you didn't buy someone something or disappoitment no one gave you anything. Tsk.The Christmas carols are fine, but the insane buying isn't. And has anyone seen Orchard Road? It's horifically crowding. Positively swarming, in fact. Brr...

Then again, it may be the cynicism talking. Tsk. KI may have been a bad idea after all.

Furries and freedom

Yeehah! Exams are over! Woolly the hamster is lodging at my house, and the dowager's spoiling him/her rotten. We can't agree on a gender cos my kiddies say he's male but there're no balls. Lol. He/she's a funny creature, standing on the tissue he/she's trying to drag away or falling off the ladder cos he/she stopped to scratch and promptly lost his/her balance. Cackle.

It's kind of funny cos suddenly you don't have to cram for the next exam and/or bite your nails in nervousness. Methinks my results ain't gonna be spectacular. I screwed up one of the KI essays! *wails* --we promised not to speak of that unspeakable evil, so I'll stop here.

Right, so I'm going to chuck out the old, re-watch my Taiwanese idol dramas and go on crazy shopping trips with the friends. Woot!

Speaking of which, I've been looking at the Taiwanese idol industry. It's odd, the dramas are fairly run-of-the-mill boy-meets-girl or fairytale-y, but girls watch it anyway, probably because of the hot guys and pretty girls. And loads of them are waaaaaaaaayyyyyyyy crazier than I am and I mean it. Why is that? Is it hormonal? Or is it a fantasy that one day, that hot male lead will turn around, see you and sweep you off your feet? How odd. Also, I'm glad I can still stay fairly rational despite the fangirl-ness. It's disconcerting to imagine myself that insane over a chap who hasn't a clue you exist. Of course, it's probably that line of thought keeping me from behaving in precisely that manner. Phew.

Look at the pretty pyramid!!

Am in denial over HPDH. Hiding away sounds good, cos I DON'T WANT TO KNOW and people keep trying to yell the plot into my ears. Perverse creatures. Thank heavens for my new earphones XD They drown out most external sounds. Wahaha, take that, you sadistics things!! Was put out by Rowling making Snape look like a villian even though I believe otherwise and those who are in the know, shoo cos i don't wanna know. Ignorance is bliss. That's my new mantra. Hah!
Has it been three months? Gosh. Time flies. Work, school and CCA anxieties...hai...someone ought to give me overtime pay for working my ass off and worrying my head off and..shessh, it's a wonder I'm still in one piece after the bloody Creative Writing Week. Argh. True to the tradition of preceding presidents and vice-presidents indeed. Now there's Poetry Night on Sept 14 and unoffical handover today. Meeeeooooow....on the plus side, all that shoving of work onto my plate has made me marginally better at planning and multi-tasking, and all the hosting of meetings improved my public speaking, but I'm still pissed cos the benefits are far more outstripped by the efforts.

Am typing this with a cuckoo friend at the side who keeps insisting on adding random words into my otherwise perfect prose. Hmph. Party-pooper. Ah well. Tis life. Crazy friends add colour, laughter and the occasional urge to commit hara-kiri. Oh yeah, and the bad jokes, which I am now a master at. Wahahaha.

My life as such, an average existence coloured by friends, work and the kiddies in my CCA. Haha. Love my kiddies. They are all so insane. In fact, I always say our collective sanity is just enough to fill your teaspoon. It used to be a tablespoon, but that went downhill when we the present commitee took over. It'll probably be right down to the smallest measuring spoon you can find in the kitchen when the kiddies take over now. Whee. Ain't that cool? We're all just IMH patients waiting to be checked in. Really.

Anyway, methinks we should make spectra our sister CCA or something. Our membership overlaps so much anyway.

The curtain falls

Yohoho, it's april. Month of the fools (not sure if that's right) and SYF for various performing arts CCA. Ahem. Went to my SYF on the 4th. I think I did all right. At least I didn't botch up my steps, just that they weren't breathtakingly executed. Results were only announced the next day, giving us all a sleepless night. Sweet mother of heaven.

At least they had the decency to tell us asap the next morning. *drum roll* we got a silver! we got a silver! Not very spectacular i know, but ain't bad for a bunch who were at Cert of Participation level when we started out. Ahhh....

Feels weird now, when everything's over. I've been rushing to practices every day for over two weeks and suddenly, nothing. Nanda. Zilch. End of story.

I don't know why I love dancing so. I was so freaked out I cried a minute before we had to go on stage. Maybe it's the pressure I'm giving myself, that we're all giving ourselves to prove ourselves to the school. After all they've given such *unstinting and loving support* Goes to show a great deal how much value they place on cultural societies. Sigh. Tis life.

Oh well, at least I have marginally more 'me' time now, not that it's very much, but at least I can have a little more shuteye. Dang, does this mean I'm gonna gain back the weight I lost in the last three months? Blech. My calves look like a footballer's now, they're that huge. Ah well, maybe I might finally pass my 2.4km run. Maybe *crosses fingers and prays hard*

Funny test

Just took a test I came across. Lol. It just confirms what I knew since I was twelve.

You Are 70% Weird

You're so weird, you think you're *totally* normal. Right?
But you wig out even the biggest of circus freaks!
Tralala...back from Indian dance. Tired. Learnt new steps today, half of which is either kinda ghoulish and/or Michael Jackson-ey in that MTV set in a haunted house (can't remember the title).It's fun seeing people's reactions when they are told I'm in indian dance. For instance, there're those who say "But why?" and those who go "oh really? That's cool." One funny fellow wailed, "What's wrong with you?". I found that kinda offensive. It's not like Indian dance is some kind of taboo job or something. It's just dance, albeit another branch of it characterised by a culture's perspective. It's movement to music, end of story. What's there to be freaked out about? *scratches head*

I like dance. There's a freedom in it normal movement doesn't. And it's a wonderful feeling knowing you're helping to construct something beautiful. Oh yeah, and the applause. Yes,the truth is out, I'm an attention-whore *thumbs nose* It's incredible having people cheering and applauding for you when you're performing, even better than a bar of chocolate XD Take CNY performace for example. My wunnerful friends yelled my name before the the thing started, and thenwhen we continued dancing despite lack of music, the whole hall cheered. Wheee!!! Heady stuff :P

Gloominess galore. Whee.

V-Day's over and done with. Thank heavens for small favours. My school's completely commercialised the darned day, selling stuff left, right and centre, all coloured pink. It's enough to give anyone visual diabetes. Icky. No offense against the colours, but when seen in profusion, I believe it induces mild to serious nausea. Grrr...

Not entirely certain if griping is in any part effect of singlehood, but suspect it has very little likelihood. Tis not like being half of a couple makes me want to be given saccharinely sweet gifts which spout the same old cliched message to everyone who receives it. I'm probably not being really coherent, and I blame it entirely on my lack of sleep. Rawr.

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cynicism personified
junella
junella

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